My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She’s single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it.

She looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free . . . I have no plans at all!”
 

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?”

Close enough for me...

Stuck...!

What in the world did you do all day?!

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog. Walking inside he found …an even bigger mess. 

A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, in the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. 

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. 

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel… 

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?…

”Yes,” was his incredulous reply..

'Well,' she answered, ‘today I didn’t do it.'

Cool limo...

Great 3D art

GRANDFATHER of THE YEAR!!

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming …for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

Will Smith is a boss!

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

Take a taxi...

A few days ago I went out with the guys for a couple of drinks. Afterwards I decided to take a taxi home and I am glad I did that. On the way home there was this alcohol control but they usually let the taxi's pass.

I got home safely, which was kind of a miracle... first of all I never drove a taxi before... and as a matter of fact I don't have a clue where I got the cab nor what to do with it now that it is in my garage...

WHERE?!

Oops...

Superwoman...

Smart...

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Don't swallow your gum!!!

Ronald... what have you done...?

A letter to my darling husband.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XOXOXO 

 

P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!!

Spiderfrog...

So be careful...

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …“Go look in the garage!”

Long yellow things...

Before and after...

A man attempted to rob a Bank of America located in San Francisco. He walked into the branch and wrote, ‘this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag’.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest tool in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK,’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.

Say Cheeseburger...

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked...

A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she …came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”

What happens when they get kids??

I don't wanna...

5 rules for a man to live a happy life.

Jalousy can be really hilarious...

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller: "I want to open...

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The surprised lady replies: "I beg your pardon, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

The man says: "Which fuckking part did you not fucking understand? Let me talk to the fucking manager!"

The astonished woman walks to the back and tells her manager about the situation. The manager agrees that she should not have to listen to that kind of language.

Together they go back to the window and the manager asks the man: "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no fucking problem," says the man: "I just won fucking $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank."

"All right... I see," says the manager: "and the stupid bitch over
here is giving you a hard time with that?"

Polar dog needs cooling down

Cockpit conversation between a Jewish Captain and a Chinese co-pilot...

A plane left Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reached cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activated the auto-pilot, leant back in his seat, and muttered: "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asked the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that is why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protested, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you are all alike."
There was a few minutes of silence....
"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announced.
"Oh yeah, why not?" Asked the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic." said the co-pilot.
"What? That is insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaimed the captain "It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same."

Please...

Great Lego build Lamborghini Countach.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" 
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister". 

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother, crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him, he isn't your father."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” 
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” 
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” 
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"

Smelly story

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. 
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. 
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know
how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted
to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

How can you tell them apart..?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking with a fly swat.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" he replied.

"Oh!    Kill any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded...

"3 were on a beer can…

the other 2 were on the phone”.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

I ain't touching it...

Bob goes into a public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself, how the poor bastard is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Sure, OK, I’ll help you.”
The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”

Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”

Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.” Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?”

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each...

A man and his wife were having some problems at homeand were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

The mistress. The power of money.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that??".

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!".

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

Who's that woman with Jack?" asks the wife.

That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies...

A gorgeous blonde is flying over the Grand Canyon in a two-seater when the pilot of the plane suffers a heart attack and dies...

 A gorgeous blonde is flying over the Grand Canyon in a two-seater when the pilot of the plane suffers a heart attack and dies. Terrified the blonde grabs the microphone: “Mayday, Mayday! The pilot just died. I don't know how to fly a plane! Mayday, Mayday”. To her great relief a calm voice answers: “This is flight control, I will talk you through this. Please stay calm and you will be fine. First, please give me your height and your position”. The blonde quickly responds: “Oh, I'm 5 foot 7 and I'm in the right front seat...”

Silence...

“Ok”, says the flight controllers voice slowly, “now please repeat after me: Our Father, which art in heaven...”