A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" 
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister". 

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother, crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him, he isn't your father."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” 
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” 
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” 
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The idiot used coins!"

Smelly story

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. 
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. 
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know
how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted
to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

How can you tell them apart..?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking with a fly swat.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" he replied.

"Oh!    Kill any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded...

"3 were on a beer can…

the other 2 were on the phone”.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

I ain't touching it...

Bob goes into a public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself, how the poor bastard is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Sure, OK, I’ll help you.”
The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”

Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”

Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.” Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?”

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each...

A man and his wife were having some problems at homeand were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

The mistress. The power of money.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that??".

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!".

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

Who's that woman with Jack?" asks the wife.

That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies...

A gorgeous blonde is flying over the Grand Canyon in a two-seater when the pilot of the plane suffers a heart attack and dies...

 A gorgeous blonde is flying over the Grand Canyon in a two-seater when the pilot of the plane suffers a heart attack and dies. Terrified the blonde grabs the microphone: “Mayday, Mayday! The pilot just died. I don't know how to fly a plane! Mayday, Mayday”. To her great relief a calm voice answers: “This is flight control, I will talk you through this. Please stay calm and you will be fine. First, please give me your height and your position”. The blonde quickly responds: “Oh, I'm 5 foot 7 and I'm in the right front seat...”

Silence...

“Ok”, says the flight controllers voice slowly, “now please repeat after me: Our Father, which art in heaven...”