Are they twins??

I just wonder...

You only had one job...

The Washcloth

There is not a woman alive today who won’t appreciate this one!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in ‘that area’ to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal … some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Trust

How to weigh yourself

Why study?

Mr. Bean is so mean....

Camouflage.

It is the truth!

Salesman

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.  The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia .”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.  “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.

The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing!”

Mona Lisa

Spiderman...?

Trying To Find A Date!

 

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?’

‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a few drinks, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’

Ronald McDonald

Organised Crime..?

Careful...

The greatest gift...

The hangover.

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”:)

How to look awesome

Safety check...

Conversation...

I was walking downtown and I had to use the bathroom. So I went inside a departement store and I go to the toilet. I just sat down when someone starts talking to me: "Hi, how are you?"

I am actually not really used to conversations while I am using the bathroom, but not wanting to be impolite I did answer: "Well, I'm fine..." Says the other guy: "What are you doing?" Not really knowing how to behave I answer: "Well, about the same as you... just sitting here."

Next thing he is asking: "Shall I go home with you?" Feeling that this is going much too far now I say: "I don't think that would be a good idea..."

Next thing I hear him say, kind of annoyed: "I'll have to call you back... there's some idiot sitting here that is answering my questions all the time..."

secret to losing weight!

Vicious Rottweiler...

Think before you answer...

In a "mental hospital" a journalist asked the doctor:
How do you determine whether to admit a patient or not ??

Dr: Well, we'd fill a bathtub and give a teaspoon, a glass and a bucket to the patient and then ask them to
empty the bathtub...
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger...

Dr: " No, a normal person would pull the drain plug !!
Please go to bed no. 39; we will start further investigations" ...

LOL

Barackoli

You Picked The Wrong House!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said..

“Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

“The same kind of people who would name their Doberman ‘Jesus’ ”

The iBra

Hot-dogs or hot legs??